Nick Blackman: Yoga For Dummies
The £1m striker joined the Royals from Sheffield United in January 2013, and has struggled since, but one thing we have seen is he's fairly good at falling over. Therefore, I think the Yoga For Dummies book is an ideal gift for the man that really needs to learn to keep his balance.
Glenn Murray: Google Glass
Well known for being a striker that scores goals by the hatful, Glenn Murray has only scored 6 goals in the first 6 months of the season. We saw in the game against Watford that Murray gets in the right positions, but he's just not hitting the target. I've got him the gift of Google Glass-hopefully he can wear it during a game and get advice from an inbuilt computer on where to shoot. God knows he needs it.
Alex Pearce: Neuralyzer
Recalled and given the captain's armband for Clarke's first game in charge, the Irish International defender could really do with wiping his memory post-2012 promotion. With contract issues meaning he gained little playing time in the Premier League, Pearce hasn't had the best time of it since signing his new contract in the summer of 2013. Who could forget his hilarious calamitous hattrick against Cardiff, as well as his generally poor performances? Pearce will want to forget and move on; that's why he's got this gift from me.
Steve Clarke: A time machine
We've said time and time again how Hal Robson-Kanu has failed to kick on since his break-out season in the Premiership. Then, he looked physically imposing and technically gifted; now, he looks a shadow of the player he used to be. With that in mind, a time machine for Steve Clarke so that the new boss can abduct the Hal Robson-Kanu that scored twice at Fulham could be a useful Christmas present.
Nick Hammond: A calculator
Reading's struggles with Financial Fair Play this season and last are well-documented, and it's imperative that the books are kept in order going forwards. The club's Director of Football, Nick Hammond, could do with a brand new, fancy calculator to make sure that the sums add up and we avoid a transfer embargo just over a year from now.
Royston Drenthe: A one-way train ticket to Sheffield
If the club can't afford this (Royston proving constantly expensive so far), I'm sure plenty of Reading fans would happily drive Anton's signing up to South Yorkshire free of charge. A deadline-day loan transfer to Wednesday in the summer has got the Dutchman out of Berkshire initially, but a permanent transfer would let the club breathe more easily.
Chris Gunter: tickets to Derek Acorah Live
How can a man go from solid every game, and 2nd in our Player Of The Season poll, to being the weak link in an already calamitous defence? Chris needs confidence, and what better man to bring help from the paranormal than Derek? He's earned rave reviews from Westy on the Tilehurst End Podcast, now Gunts gets to experience the wonders himself.
Oliver Norwood and Danny Guthrie: All Access Hollywood Passes
One of the few highlights of this season has been Norwood's impressive passing ability, and last season it was Guthrie who was wowing the fans with his range and delivery. What better reward for their Hollywood passes than some real Hollywood passes? Nick Blackman tags along as well, he can get work as a stunt double after showing some impressive tumbles on camera this campaign.
Royston Drenthe: Trip round the M25
Stick that traffic jam on Instagram instead. Too much FIFA and speeding, and not enough gritty real life stories from Roy of the Rovers. Actually, when he gets to Junction 21 he can get on the M1 and "Set North Yonder" (h/t Anagram Finder) towards Sheffield for good. And when Steve Clarke tells him why we've let him go, he can reply "Noted then, sorry" (h/t Anagram Finder).
Steve Clarke: Inspirational Cat Posters
With Clarke's arrival we all know there's going to need to be some long, dark nights on the training ground. At times, the Scot may be on the edge of giving up hope. With that in mind, Santa should bring him a lovely set of 'hang in there' posters for those fruitless shooting practice sessions with Hal Robson-Kanu et al.
Pavel Pogrebnyak: Travellers Guide To Europe
We all know how much Pav loves his Chelsea mansion, but perhaps by enlightening The Big Russian to some of Europe's finer locales, he may be enticed into joining the local football team!
Jem Karacan: Knee Replacement
Call me medically naive, but Club Captain Karacan has spent so long trying to fix his current knee that it's clearly not getting any better. Time to start afresh, and grab a new knee out of someone who isn't using it (what's Jimmy Kebe doing these days?) and stick it in our midfield star.
Anton Zingarevich: A Lump of Coal
Probably more than the man deserves for nearly driving the club into financial meltdown with still barely a peep of apology.
Aaron Kuhl: A Disguise
The young midfielder has already shown glimpses of what he's capable of and if he continues at this rate the big clubs will come knocking. So I feel he needs a cunning disguise to keep away from the attention of Premier League scouts.... Batman costume anyone?
Hal Robson-Kanu: A New Trophy Cabinet
Well he's going to need one for all those Tilehurst End Podcast awards he's been winning. It's also wise getting some extra room in now because at some stage he's going to click potential wise... whether that's in Berkshire remains to be seen.
In all seriousness, a very Merry Christmas to all the Reading players and staff this year. Whether we've loved you or loathed you, we appreciate the effort and hope you're enjoying the day.
Beyond that, a very Merry Christmas to all of our readers!