Reading 2-0 Colchester United: Made-Up Player Reviews

Well, the first pre-season game of the month is done and dusted. Shrouded in secrecy, it was very difficult to get any sort of coherent information from the official account. But, using the power of imagination, the process of elimination and some downright fabrication, I’m able to bring you a player review… of sorts. Grab a Kit Kat (or other branded wafer-based biscuit), a hot beverage and a healthy attitude to hypotheses as I analyse (in the loosest possible sense) the game…

Joe Lumley

Wearing last season’s green GK kit with absolute aplomb, his hair an electric blonde colour and his arms and then hands and finally, fingers, pointing into the air, he managed to keep a clean sheet while.

Trialist A

This chap was a natural defender and is currently without a club.

Tom Holmes

Slap bang in the middle of the defence like a giant boulder blocking the entrance to a secret cave, he was able to shoo away any sort of threatening attack from the U’s.

Trialist B

Much like Trialist A, he is without a home in the footballing sense. Wearing an excellent choice of boot (Nike Tiempo), he was able to communicate effectively with the other secret operatives in defence using standard English.

Ince Junior

Wearing number 10 (leaving the door wide open for absurd rumours that a young Irish prince might come back and wear number nine), he was able to move forward and from side to side and not call the gaffer “dad” more than once.

Yakou

Scored! Joao was pushed over by some nincompoop wearing an away shirt. The Ivorian demi-god stepped up and, using the best phrase I can think of (and definitely not borrowed from another source) slammed the ball home low into the corner to double our lead.

Trialist C

Using both the internet, some close Reading FC advisors and my knowledge of famous people’s tattoos, I can exclusively reveal that Trialist C was the popular wrestler Roman Reigns. Or it might have been Connor Wickham. Or maybe someone else. Either way, great arm art!

Rashawn Scott

His middle name is Rivaldo and if you need more info than that, you shouldn’t be reading this.

Trialist D

This was the chap that swung the corner in from the left for the first goal in the game. A left-footer by trade, this young man’s last club may or may not have been Forest Green Rovers.

Connor Wickham

Look, before the legal department come for me, I have absolutely no idea if he played. If he did (and I’m not saying he did) he would have played up front. And what a game he had! (if he had played, and I’m not sure he did).

Lucas Joao

Hustled and bustled in the key areas. Should have scored a great goal. Probably.

Second-half add-ins

Tom McIntyre

Has. Hit. The. Gym. Chirping away to his team mates like a big golden eagle, he was commanding and resilient in the face of some thunder tackles.

Luke Southwood

Was able to keep the ball out of the net. Like Lumley, was also able to point and clap a bit.

Dejan Tetek

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like we are seeing both sides of his match skills now. I can’t believe I’m typing this, but at one point during a period in the game, he tested the keeper with a right-footed effort at one end and then, soon after, ran back to land a thunderbastard of a tackle as the away team looked to counter. Varied tekkers!

Ovie Ejaria

Oh, you mean the resident wizard of Berkshire?! Had some mystical footwork examples throughout his cameo in the second period. Delicious skills.

Louie Holzman, Kian Leavy and Jeriel Dorsett all repped the colours with tenacity, spirit and flair (trademark Alan Pardew). Trialists E, F and G were forgettable and inadequate (maybe).

All in all, a great outing for the boys whether they were trialists, competition winners or actual players. I’ve already ordered my ‘League Winners 22/23’ t-shirt. I’m sure you have too. Onwards and upwards!